Larry Price

And The Endless Cup Of Coffee

What's Still Possible

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If every Miss America candidate had her way, there would be peace on Earth and all the hungry mouths would be fed. While Earthlings enjoy violence and controlling others too much to achieve world peace, I have a proposal to help feed those around the world who don’t have enough to eat.

It’s not an ad campaign. I’m not going to send random people a nickle in the mail and then tell them that they could use that nickle to feed a starving child. I’m certainly not going to change any of my eating habits. I happen to know a huge source of food that we underutilize. My plan is to kill two birds with one stone. Well, preferably something like 3 million birds with however many stones it takes.

I’m talking, of course, about the terrible tyranny of the Canadian Goose. A little history:

Our ancestors domesticated Canadian Geese in ancient times and used these waterfowl for various acts of labor, including pulling tugboats down the Mississippi, plowing the great Canadian rice paddies, and keeping our elderly company during their final days of life. The young goslings flapped gingerly in the meadows pollinating the wildflowers, apple trees, and various other meadow-related objects. Much to our delight, some of our beloved geese bretheren became sentient, and started selling us medical insurance while performing a spot-on Gilbert Gottfried impression.

False. I must apologize for fooling you in this way sweet, sweet reader, but everything you read in the last paragraph was neither true nor fact. In reality, Canadian Geese serve no purpose. Canadian Geese were created accidentally during the Manhatten Project while one of the lab techs from the local university was trying to combine nuclear fission and the bubonic plague to get back at his ex-girlfriend for cheating on him. He quickly became bored of this task when she stopped responding to his texts, and thusly tossed the waste from his experiments in the river. The rest, of course, is history.

Now here we are. There are well over 3 million Canadian Geese nationwide, which is decidedly more than anyone finds pleasant. These geese are no longer afraid of humans, so they tend not to run away from us. In fact, we have spoiled the birds so much that some geese will actually approach humans demanding a bite of stale bread. If no bread gift is offered, the foul fowl will emit a frightening hissing noise, raise its wings, and chase off the poor human. Any sidewalk near a pond quickly becomes covered in goose byproducts during the breeding season, which might as well be year-round. I, for one, think that the geese have gone too far. They ruin our picnics, our walks in the park, our egg-stealing competitions, and our feather-collecting scavenger hunts. It’s time for the final showdown: Man versus Goose.

Time to tie in the beginning and the parts where I raved like a lunatic: We hunt the geese, and we feed them to people. ‘Nuff said.

People already hunt geese, of course, but it’s clearly not enough. Not to mention that these hunters currently just leave the gooseflesh in the woods where lower animals reap the rewards. I propose we extend goose season year-round, and provide free boxes to encourage hunters to package the gooseflesh and send it to the needy in other countries. We’ll poison our waterways to take out as many geese as possible, and we will make a wondrous soup for whomever needs it.

It’s still possible to feed the hungry. But we need to focus in order to do it. Man versus Goose is not the solution. It’s a demonstration of getting distracted from the original cause. The next time someone tries to get you riled up about feeding the hungry through some crazy scheme, remember that there’s no better way than addressing the problem directly. It’s still possible to do good in this world if you can avoid the crazy.